Cityfile: New York's Most Notable and Influential

Add Guns, Drugs To the Madoff Saga | As if it wasn't bad enough that Bernie Madoff investors were handing over their money to a con artist to manage, it seems they were also putting their trust in a drug-addicted gun freak, too. When Bernie Madoff's right-hand man Frank DiPascali pleaded guilty earlier this week to charges he helped engineer the $65 billion scheme and he agreed to cooperate with prosecutors, the deal also guaranteed DiPascali that the feds wouldn't come after him for the "use of controlled substances prior to 1992" and "for possessing illegal firearms up until last Friday." Between this news and the revelation that Bernie had a 20-year affair that no one knew about, the made-for-TV Madoff movie is getting spicier by the day, isn't it? [NYP, WSJ]

Did Bernie Madoff steal your life savings or bankrupt your non-profit organization? Are you Mort Zuckerman or Steven Spielberg? We're here to help! If you happen to be a gun enthusiast—or you enjoy the occasional game of darts—we've created a Bernie "silhouette" for you to use the next time you head to the range or bar. You'll be pleased to hear that it conforms to the National Rifle Association's official standards for indoor/outdoor target practice. (Well, except for Bernie's head, which was our doing and hopefully won't lead any gun-toting members of the NRA to come after us.) And you can use the little scorecard in the corner to track your performance! Your anger will dissipate in no time! Click here for a larger picture of the silhouette, although if you're planning to actually use this at a gun range, you'll need to download a lifesize version, which you can do right here. Oh, and if you don't have a firearm or a gun license but you'd still like to take a shot at Bernie, give the West Side Rifle & Pistol Range a call. For $65, they'll let you shoot off 50 rounds under the watchful eye of an instructor. And they allow you to bring your own targets, too!

One More Reason to Be Nice to Your Neighbor | A whopping 37,000 New York City residents have a license to own or carry a gun, according to the Times. (One notable person not on the list: Plaxico Burress.) Subtract out the people who are either cops or security guards and there are still some 17,000 people who have the right to bear arms. Not including those of us who happen to keep unlicensed Kalashnikov assault rifles under our beds, of course. [City Room]

In Stressful Times, Americans Cling to Guns | The most important election in a generation is just four days away. Every day brings fresh news about the crumbling American economy. So how are good 'ol Americans coping with these turbulent times? They're buying guns in record numbers, of course! That's what Fox News is reporting, at least, which says FBI background checks are up nine percent from last year. And just in case you weren't aware of it, this increase is all Barack Obama's fault. Decent Americans are just buying up lots of guns now so they have them in case Obama wins the election and he changes gun control laws, in which case you'll have to pry their semi-automatics from their cold, dead hands.

You might want to think twice before stopping by Alexis Stewart's apartment uninvited: The daughter of domestic diva Martha Stewart has a permit to keep a loaded gun at home, according to the Post. Other notable locals with gun licenses include David Wright and Carlos Delgado of the Mets, Robert De Niro, billionaire supermarket mogul John Catsimatidis, and Donald Trump. (Two of Trump's sons, Eric and Donald Jr., also have licenses to keep firearms at home; Ivanka Trump's apartment is gun-free.) But it's Alexis, who recently launched a new TV series on the Fine Living channel, who may have the creepiest explanation for why she feels the need to keep a gun in a lockbox in her TriBeCa apartment: She keeps it in case an emergency forces her to abandon the city and she has to euthanize her elderly dogs. "They could never make it out of Manhattan. I could never leave my dogs to die of thirst in my apartment, so I looked on it as a euthanasia situation. I would never kill my pets unless they were going to die anyway."

Got an illegal firearm sitting around the house? Good news: If you bring it to one of six churches this weekend, you'll earn yourself a $200 Chase gift card. No questions asked! Do note, though, that you can't simply waltz in with the gun in plain sight. To qualify, you'll need to wrap it up in a plastic or paper bag. Feel free to turn up with a rifle, handgun or a shotgun—they all qualify although BB guns will only earn you $20—and there's no need to remove the ammo: You can bring them loaded. And this unusual marketing arrangement is clearly a win-win for Jamie Dimon's notoriously aggressive JP Morgan Chase: Not only do illegal gun owners represent a valuable demo (all those ill-gotten stacks of $100 and no place to put them!), we also suspect fewer guns on the street also translates into fewer tellers with guns pointed in their direction.